In his excellent book, THE DRIFTING MARRIAGE, Donald Harvey put his finger on the greatest threat to marital happiness today: “We marry for intimacy. Marriages, in general, fail because of the inability to attain intimacy. They lack internal bonding or connectedness.”

The analogy of drifting is appropriate, it seems to me. Couples don’t jump from the blazing fire of romance to the frigid waters of marital isolation in one single bound. They slowly, surely, predictably drift apart. They consciously or unconsciously fail to do the things that create and sustain marital intimacy.

That famous poet and author, Anonymous, outdid himself/herself with the following lines:

The Wall

Their wedding picture mocked them from the table
These two whose lives no longer touched each other.
They loved with such a heavy barricade between them
That neither battering rams of words
Nor artilleries of touch could break it down.
Somewhere between the oldest child’s first tooth
And youngest daughter’s graduation
They lost each other.
Throughout the years each slowly unraveled
That tangled ball of string called self
And as they tugged at stubborn knots
Each hid their searching from the other.
Sometimes she cried at night and begged
The whispering darkness to tell her who she was
While he lay beside her snoring like a
Hibernating bear unaware of her winter.
Once after they had made love he wanted to tell her
How afraid he was of dying
But fearing to show his naked soul he spoke instead
About the beauty of her breasts.
She took a course in modern art trying to find herself.
In colors splashed upon a canvas
And complaining to other women about men
Who were insensitive.
He climbed into a tomb called the office
Wrapped his mind in a shroud of paper figures
And buried himself in customers.
Slowly the wall between them rose cemented
By the mortar of indifference.
One day reaching out to touch each other
They found a barrier they could not penetrate
And recoiling from the coldness of the stone
Each retreated from the stranger on the other side.
For when love dies it is not in a moment of angry battle
Nor when fiery bodies lose their heat.
It lies panting exhausted expiring
At the bottom of a wall it could not scale.

That piece is tragic and sad—but the picture it paints is so common . . . and unnecessary. In my opinion, marital intimacy can last a lifetime.

Marriage therapist Ed Wheat has developed an approach to restoring intimacy in marriage. I have heard the testimonies of men and women who were on the brink of divorce when they consulted Dr. Wheat, used his techniques, and regained the intimacy they had lost. One such couple I have met is Pat and Jill Williams. Pat was general manager of the Chicago Bulls, the Philadelphia 76’ers and then the Orlando Magic. His book, REKINDLED, is the story of how he almost lost his marriage to Jill, and how with Dr. Wheat’s counsel they not only saved their marriage but rekindled the flames of romance.

Dr. Wheat’s program is called by the acronym, BEST, and is found in his book STAYING IN LOVE FOR A LIFETIME.

• Bless
  Speak kindly, lovingly to your mate - words of affection, words of appreciation, words of approval.
• Edify
  Build up your mate’s sense of personal value and worth. Encourage them.
• Share
  We are to share our dreams, or fears, our hopes, our cares, our hurts, our joys. There must be transparency in order for there to be intimacy.
• Touch
  God created us with hundreds of thousands of microscopic nerve endings in our skin designed to sense and benefit from a loving touch. A tender, non-sexual touch tells us that we are cared for. It can calm our fears, soothe pain, comfort, and give emotional security.

Psychiatrist Scott Peck, in his breakthrough book, THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED, said that falling in love is not love at all since it is not a conscious choice and requires no real effort. He defines the insanity of falling in love in strictly biological terms: “It is a genetically determined instinctual component of mating behavior . . . which serves to increase the probability of sexual pairing and bonding so as to enhance the survival of the species.” (THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED, p. 90)

Now, isn’t that romantic? Well, it’s not supposed to be. And I agree with the general tenor of Dr. Peck’s opinion. You see, “falling in love” or “being in love” is not the same thing as “loving.” Love is a choice, not something you fall into or fall out of.

There once was a group of GI’s who had a cook that they enjoyed playing practical jokes on. They would nail his shoes to the floor, grease the knobs on the stove, or put a bucket of water over the door that would fall on his head when he entered. One day they decided they were too tough on the cook and told him they would no longer be doing those practical jokes.

The cook said, “You no more nail shoes to floor?” They said “No.”

“You no more grease knobs on stove?” “No.”

“No more put water bucket over door?” “No.”

“Good. Cookie no more spit in soup!”

I remember the tumultuous ‘60’s antiwar protests. One of the best-known slogans during those days was,” MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR.” That’s pretty good advice for married couples. You’re on the same team. The enemies are selfishness, creeping separatism, and emotional opacity. Fight the enemies of marital intimacy. You can have a “BEST” marriage.

Alan Day, Senior Pastor